Times of transition- swimming against the tide?

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WavesIn one of my earlier posts, “I wonder what’s going wrong”,  I reflected on how things blew out of perspective for me when

a. There was a change of some sort happening in my life

b. When I wasn’t being true to myself

Somehow, it doesn’t matter how planned this change is. We can totally bring it upon ourselves and still find we’re swimming against the tide. We could know a zillion techniques to stay centered and still find ourselves….well….off-centre.

I was speaking to a wonderful lady in Sydney for a peer coaching session. Though it was the first time we’d ‘met’, that too on skype, it felt as if her thoughts were a mirror image of mine. Culturally we were so different but our conversation was around the life changes we’d been through; though decided, planned and the choices being our own, we found coping up with them tough. In our case, this was around re-juggling life priorities with respect to kids, changing career tracks and the whole package that comes with it.

As we chatted, we realized that these changes threw us off-balance because they posed a question that we weren’t quite clear about:

“Now, who am I?”

The challenges and situations can vastly differ; moving into a new job or a larger role; changing careers; moving into unfamiliar surroundings; handling difficult relationships; breaking into new responsibilities. Whatever it is, an awareness of ourselves is important during transitions. And that’s the time when our brain reels in uncertainty. There are some questions we can ask ourselves to clarify where we are.

1. What is my purpose/ vision/ goal here?

2. Am I being true to myself/ my purpose/ goal/ vision/ values in doing this?

3. What’s going on for me right now?

3. How does it feel? Does it sit right for me?

4. How do I want this situation to feel?

5. What can I do to make it happen?

6. What support do I need?

Often in transitions, we lose sight of the original goal. Going back to his helps. Does the goal still hold good? Or is the ladder to where we’re going standing against the wrong wall?

All too often we feel we need to do it all by ourselves or feel that others should automatically understand what we need. Getting through transitions also means asking for support, the right helping hand.

And in the end, it might feel like swimming against the tide – but with the swimming we’re becoming stronger and what’s more, we’ve seen a new  part of the river!

Talking Tom Conversations

Talking-Tom-2-New-moves-1My younger daughter was sitting face to face with Talking Tom of the iPad. Those familiar with him, know that he says what you say… back at you. And so pointing to me, she told him, “She’s my mummy!”. Tom, instantaneously and equally emphatically responded, “She’s my mummy!”. She raised her voice, “No! She’s my mummy!”, to which he replied, “No! She’s my mummy!”. The debate over who I belong to continued for a few minutes resulting in my daughter becoming quite frustrated at Talking Tom’s non- cooperation. Till I swept him and the iPad out of her hands. Steve Jobs didn’t give his child the iPad 🙂

It occurred to me that this is not a sequence of conversation limited to Tom and my daughter. We adults are often on the giving and receiving end of ‘Talking Tom conversations’ too.

Do these sound familiar…?

We are expecting an e-mail from someone. It hasn’t arrived. We’ve  made up our minds that this person is incompetent or they’re not giving us the priority we deserve. We convey this in our tone of voice, the words we choose. The conversation goes nowhere. there is acrimony and the work doesn’t get done. We wonder why.

We’re home after a bad day , busy flipping though WhatsApp pictures, Facebook and Twitter, pretty much simultaneously. Between screens, the kids are hankering for attention. Irritably, we raise our voice, tell them they have no manners and they hanker some more. We wonder why decibel levels are so high at home.

We’re often so preoccupied with stories in our mind; the argument with our spouse, the misunderstanding with our friend, feedback from our boss, a client meeting that did not go as planned, that we don’t really disengage from the last interaction before engaging in the next. The stories intermingle and we wonder why we’re not getting through to people. It’s not just about communication.

There is no denying the pressures of daily life. David Rock, an expert in the field of Neurosciences, Leadership and Coaching talks about 3 validated tools to manage pressure in today’s demanding times.

  1. Labeling- It is an act of putting a symbolic language onto an emotional state. When you describe what you are feeling in a couple of words, you end up regulating emotions, even if that was not the intention. It has been researched that putting words on an emotional state reduces the stress response.
  2. Mindfulness- If we are not mindful, we have no capacity to ‘experience our experience’ or change it. Mindfulness is the capacity to observe our own experience and it gives us the capacity to intervene. It also helps us to know ourselves more and be more compassionate.
  3. Re-Appraisal- This is re framing or re-interpreting situations in a way that reduces our threat response.

Let’s see how this might work.

I get off a less than harmonic telecon this morning. I feel like biting someone’s head off. Before I leave the room, I take a few deep breaths and label my emotions, “I’m feeling angry and misunderstood. But I’m going to let that go now and be present in the current moment” As a conscious act, I put aside the unpleasant feelings. (Labeling)

I have another conversation lined up. I decide to become a little more centered, lest I carry over my bad mood. I close my eyes and pay attention to my breathing. Feel the in- breath and then the out-breath.Repeat, till I’m present and focused. (Mindfulness)

I think of the unpleasant start to my day in another way. At least, I wrote a blog post due to the experience 🙂 (Re-appraisal)

 

 

Small shifts…big change….

drop-of-water-597109_1280We often think that changes in our lives, have to be big to make any sort of difference to how we experience life. It’s surprising how very small shifts in perspective or little, creative changes in our routine, can make an impact.  I was reflecting on how I really dislike being bogged down with housework. I fantasize about my home looking like a 5 star suite without my having to lift a finger 🙂 In my mind, I have no time/ space/ peace to meditate. I also  have two small children who love me hanging around when they are playing- particularly when I’d like to be doing something else (sounds rather mean when I write it down, bless them!).

It was one such mundane moment at home when the children wanted me to be around, I wanted to meditate and the dishes needed to be done.  The beautiful 4pm light streamed through the windows. My girls were within sight, drawing and joyfully showing me each masterful stroke. Unusually, I was drawn to the kitchen sink. I picked up a utensil, felt the cold water, played with the lemony freshness of the soap suds and watched the grime slip off, leaving only the afternoon, reflecting off the dishes. Water flowed and splashed. In the next room, the girls giggled and fought and giggled some more. I picked up another utensil…then another one. I noticed my thoughts, and another, and another as they slipped away, leaving no trace. It was a beautiful, peaceful, mundane moment. Something that I essentially don’t enjoy doing, turned into mindfulness meditation.

I was reminded of a coach and facilitator, who on a training call shared that he traveled very regularly and no matter how much he wanted, couldn’t fit in meditation. One morning, instead of doing a quick shave, he decided to go back in time. He took out a shaving brush and soap and an old fashioned razor blade. He  had to slow down and use deliberate movements, lest he cut himself. The little change in routine, helped him exercise mindfulness; to experience all his senses before the onslaught of a crazy day. This became part of his routine. A small, simple change but one that made a huge difference.

And of course, I viewed doing the housework in a slightly different manner!

Is there a way you can turn a pain into a totally different experience? What minor adjustment might go a long way?

(Mindfulness is the intentional, accepting and non-judgmental focus of one’s attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment, which can be trained by meditation practices that are described in detail in the Buddhist tradition)

The gift of losing my smartphone!

balance-110850_1280(1)This year, on my birthday, I lost my phone. We were on our way to Kerala, on holiday and I felt a bit daunted to say the least, at the prospect of having to manage without my phone for the next 10 days. I mean it had everything in it- my Whatsapp, Facebook messenger, my favourite music on Soundcloud, e-mails, important messages, favourite links to absolutely everything (luckily pictures and contacts had been backed up). In short, for a person who works mostly from home, my link to the big, wide, world.

As we went up the winding hills, I adjusted to pulling out the heavy camera, rather than brandishing the phone the moment I needed a quick click. I fought with the feeling of wanting to ‘share’ each sight, sound and experience, while it was still happening. I looked to my hand, every time I heard a notification on someone’s phone. Even my daughter looked on wistfully if someone had the same ringtone as my beloved ex-phone.

It felt like I didn’t have much ‘to do’ as we waited for lunch to arrive.. till I noticed the curious painting on the wall, the quaint chandeliers, two people at the table next. It’s not that I would admit to being a screen-o-holic; in fact I had my pegged myself at being fairly mindful if we were out, especially with our children. But without the phone, there was a spaciousness that I had long forgotten. I have to admit, it felt unfamiliar. Initially, I wondered where to take my attention, and I felt a strange awe, as I could keep it there. Time was rarefied and stretched. I could use all  my senses! (if you think I’m exaggerating, please lose your phone!)

Over the next few days, my husband was surprised that I didn’t take up his offer of checking for messages or updates, using his phone. My children joyously shared my mind-and eye-space with just the mountains and hills and exquisite beauty around us. Gradually, rushed semi- experiences drew out into experiences. I was ready for these to marinate, rather than share at the first chance. Glances turned to gazes.

By the time I came home and was ‘plugged in’ again to everything, I noticed the number of unnecessary notifications in my inbox- things I hadn’t even signed up for-news I didn’t need- things that needed my action, that really didn’t. A sense of urgency that was not required. A feeling of unease was trying to push itself into my space again- that every issue was a burning one, that everything was wrong with the world or that nothing was ever wrong. Information from so many sources to which you ‘had to’ react, have a view and comment upon, without even knowing it’s validity.

It dawned on me that I hadn’t missed my phone at all. I hadn’t missed always being on or being notified for everything.

I had missed the connection with those who matter to me. The ability to reach out, when I wanted or they needed.

For starters, I spent some time unsubscribing from unnecessary mails that always appeared unread and made me feel I was behind, for no reason. (Using an app called Unroll me). I now try to keep the phone at a bit of a distance, rather than treating it as a long lost appendage or vital organ.

I want to stay connected…to the spaciousness …to the breath of fresh air.

Wonder if you relate?

“I Approve!” (er… didn’t you ask?)

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Simplicity is an inherent part of how we arrived here. My daughter did particularly well in a test she sat and as a proud, beaming mother, I asked what she’d like to do as a treat. She said she’d like to eat at a particular place that she likes. This was one of the most simple, uncomplicated of places that she could have chosen. When I smiled lovingly at such innocence, she wondered if she had said something wrong and hastily inquired,          ” well…. where else is it possible to go?”

It made me wonder how we add layer on layer to our own simplicity, depending upon others’ preferences or our idea of their preferences. The need to seek approval sometimes becomes more natural than being our natural selves! (c’mon admit it- the more likes on our Facebook posts, the better our day is!) Being influenced by others and learning from our environment, is a normal of way of socializing into the world but we must be careful not to move so far from our original selves that we don’t even realize it.

Do you find yourself choosing to do things or holding views that might be more acceptable to someone else?  Are you holding ideas of what life should be like depending upon someone else’s ideas or what you think their ideas are? Have you noticed how in subtle ways, your idea of what others think affects your mood? In such a digital, networked life, peer pressure goes beyond classrooms and teens.

On the other hand, have you while in conversation with someone, caught yourself making up your mind while they are still at mid sentence? Or even worse, have you made up your mind when there is nothing to make up your mind about?!  It’s like two people conversing but the message having to jump hurdles and run through filters, before it lands in the other person’s space, rarely reaching untouched as it was meant. No wonder there is so much conversation, yet people crave to be truly heard!

The need to approve and be approved of, is a double-edged sword. Poor quality listening is what we often sow and reap. How do we drop our judgement and deepen our listening? I’d say it begins at home; a good place to start would be to stop judging and second guessing ourselves:

  • Drop the need to be right, correct, an expert, perfect or the best all the time.
  • Keep connected to your own self: taking time out for a hobby or an activity you love is a great way to do this.
  • A wise person once said that we become the average of the people we hang out with. Are you with those who see you as you are? Take time out to be with such people.
  • Pause. Quieten down the mind a bit in order to be present with the person in front of you, without their words having to do cross-country!

And as children show us, simplicity is fine. We are served best without too many layers!

photo credit: stockvault.net (waterdropsonwindow)

Pups..or a pack of wolves?

A few years ago, a street dog gave birth to a litter of pups in our building. She cared for the little ones in the basement parking. They were tiny and the mom was incredibly weak. My elder daughter and I decided that we would give food for the mum and her babies each day, on the way down to school. We continued to do so for some time, till the pups were strong and the mum let them wander off alone. Soon we couldn’t keep track of the pups and looking at them, we couldn’t really say if they were ‘ours’. But knowing they were out of danger, we forgot about them.

Some time later, I had dropped my daughter off to school and was headed home. All of a sudden, a group of street dogs surrounded me. They didn’t seem to be aggressive, but were all around- a couple walking alongside, a couple behind and one ahead. They were pretty large and persistent. I was carrying some groceries.. so maybe they were expecting food. But they being street dogs, and a little too close for comfort, I rushed off.

But as I reached home, it dawned on me that the dogs had not been menacing… there was a familiarity with which they approached and walked with me. They were well….even friendly. It struck me that they could have been our little pups from the basement, though I had not been ready to find out. Though I did not recognize them, they still saw me with my daughter each day. They might possibly have remembered how we fed them.

That’s when it struck me; there are so many things that look like sure-shot threat to us but in actuality could be of no harm. When fear, panic or suspicion takes over, one doesn’t see clearly. The friendly neighborhood dogs look like a pack of wolves.

I wonder if anything of that sort has happened to you? What’s distorting your view of life? What are the proverbial pack of wolves hounding you?

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photo credit: stockvault.net